"My son is lazy. He’s mean to younger kids. He’s helpless. He’s constantly glued to the TV and won’t hear anything we say if any technology is around."
A mom shared this story recently, and I could feel her exhaustion through every word. She described how her 10-year-old son refused to help clean up, exaggerated an old toe injury to avoid doing chores, and constantly ignored simple requests, even ones that required zero effort. If she asked him to take a bucket that was literally at his feet, he’d claim he couldn’t find it. If other kids were around, he’d delegate her instructions to someone else. All she wanted was some cooperation, and instead, she got whining, defiance, and drama.
Sound familiar? If you're parenting a 10-year-old who seems to ignore everything you say, you're not alone. This isn’t just a “your kid” problem, it’s a totally normal stage of development.
But just because it’s common doesn’t mean you have to live in a constant state of yelling, repeating yourself, and feeling like the bad guy. Let’s dig into why 10-year-olds act this way and, more importantly, what you can do that actually works.
Why Is My 10-Year-Old Not Listening?
First, let’s clear something up: not listening doesn’t always mean your child is being intentionally defiant. Sometimes, it’s a mix of developmental growth, testing boundaries, and yes, some good old-fashioned stubbornness.
At age 10, kids are in what's called middle childhood, a stage marked by increasing independence, growing social awareness, and more complex emotions. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, this is when children begin to form stronger opinions and often question adult authority, not to be mean, but as part of learning to think for themselves.
They're also dealing with:
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Cognitive overload: 10-year-olds are often juggling school, friendships, extracurriculars, and more.
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Selective attention: Kids this age may hyper-focus on what interests them (like video games or YouTube) and tune out everything else, even your voice.
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Emotional immaturity: They can feel overwhelmed easily and may overreact when asked to do something they don't want to do.
So no, you're not raising a future criminal. You're raising a child whose brain is under construction.
The Key Areas Where Listening Breaks Down
Let’s break “not listening” into a few categories to better understand what you’re really dealing with and how to respond effectively:
1. Ignoring Instructions
Example: You ask him to clean his room, and he flat-out pretends he didn’t hear you.
2. Avoiding Responsibility
Example: You ask him to help carry groceries, and suddenly he has a mystery injury or acts confused.
3. Delegating to Others
Example: You say, “Put this away,” and he turns to another kid and says, “Hey, you do it.”
4. Backtalk and Whining
Example: Every request is met with groaning, “Why do I have to?”, or arguing.
5. Learned Helplessness
Example: He acts like he can’t do simple things without step-by-step guidance.
What Should I Do?
1. Change from Asking-Language to Telling-Language
Why it works:
When you say “Can you help me clean this up?” you’re giving a choice, even if you don’t mean to. Kids will take that option and run.
Instead, say:
“Please start cleaning up the blocks now.”
Or break it down even more:
“Start with picking up the blocks under the couch.”
This is called clear directive language, and it’s a core recommendation in behavioral parenting programs like Triple P (Positive Parenting Program).
2. Eliminate Competing Noise
If your kid is on a screen, watching TV, or talking to friends, their brain is already occupied.
What to do:
Before giving instructions, pause their activity. Make eye contact. Say their name.
- “David, look at me. I need your help for a minute.”
This simple step increases your odds of being heard tenfold. According to a study from the Child Mind Institute, “visual and auditory cues” are key to improving listening in distracted kids.
3. Give One Instruction at a Time
We often say too much:
- “Pick up your socks, grab your homework, pack your lunch, and let’s go.”
A 10-year-old hears: blah blah blah socks blah blah lunch blah what?
Instead, try: “First, put on your shoes. Then I’ll tell you the next step.”
This builds compliance momentum, a proven technique in parenting psychology. Small wins lead to bigger cooperation.
4. Don’t Argue—Repeat Calmly
If your child starts whining, complaining, or saying “why me?”, avoid taking the bait.
What to do instead:
Stay calm. Repeat your original instruction in a low, steady voice.
- Child: “But my toe hurts!”
You: “Your toe was fine earlier. I need you to pick up your toys now.”
Child: “But I can’t!”
You: “Pick up your toys now.”
Consistency beats yelling every time.
5. Use Natural Consequences
Empty threats like “I’m throwing away all your toys!” lose power quickly.
Instead, use logical consequences:
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“If the room isn’t clean in 10 minutes, no screen time tonight.”
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“If you can’t follow instructions at home, you won’t go to your friend’s house this weekend.”
Tip: Always follow through. Kids are amazing lie detectors. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
6. Make Listening a Habit, Not a Battle
Build in positive reinforcement for listening. This isn’t bribery, it’s behavior shaping.
Try:
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A sticker chart for completing tasks without reminders.
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A small weekly reward (extra screen time, a fun outing) for a streak of cooperation.
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Simple praise like: “Thanks for listening the first time. That helped a lot.”
According to the CDC’s Parenting Guidelines, positive reinforcement is more effective long-term than punishment alone.
7. Teach Independence, Not Just Obedience
Sometimes kids “don’t listen” because they feel micromanaged or helpless. Help them develop responsibility by giving them age-appropriate autonomy:
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Let them pack their own backpack.
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Ask them to lead a chore.
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Give two options: “Do you want to clean up before or after dinner?”
This builds confidence and reduces power struggles.
8. Use Tools and Toys to Teach Listening Through Play
Sometimes, kids respond best when learning feels like a game, not a lecture. If your 10-year-old shuts down when you talk, try showing instead of telling.
What to do:
Introduce a toy or activity that naturally encourages listening, following instructions, and problem-solving. For example:
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STEM building kits (like robotics or mechanical sets)
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Co-op board games where teamwork and turn-taking are essential
Set it up like this: “Let’s build this together. I’ll read the instructions, and you be my helper.” This not only makes them feel empowered but also strengthens their ability to:
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Follow sequences
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Pay attention to details
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Listen and act based on verbal guidance
A study published in Developmental Psychology found that guided play significantly improves children’s executive function skills, including attention control and listening.
Try This:
Introduce a building robot kit and say: “If you can follow all the steps to build this robot, you can teach me how to use the remote!” This gives them purpose, pride, and a built-in reason to listen.
Wrapping Up
Parenting a 10-year-old who “doesn’t listen” can feel like a daily mental marathon. But you can shift the dynamic from power struggle to teamwork.
Use the way you’ve just read:
✅ Clear, direct language
✅ One instruction at a time
✅ Natural consequences
✅ Positive reinforcement
✅ Skill-building through guided play
And most importantly, don’t give up. Your child is learning, testing, and growing, just like you are as a parent.
Small changes = big wins. And yes, a well-timed toy doesn’t hurt either.
Here’s what I want you to remember:
You are not alone. Your kid is not broken. And this phase won’t last forever.
When you shift from frustrated yelling to intentional strategies, like clear instructions, calm consistency, and age-appropriate expectations, you’re not just getting your kid to listen.
You’re teaching them how to listen, how to take responsibility, and how to become a respectful, capable human being.
And that, honestly, is the real win.
